by Loretta Sparks, EFT Master, DCEP
Want a guy that’s a keeper? Listen, I’ve got some thoughts that I think would be really helpful to you. Let’s just talk about what I call your filter. How do you filter men out of your life or how do you filter them so that they come in your life? I have a few guidelines that I’ve used myself when I was a young, unattached woman that I’ve shared with many over the years that I’d like to share with you right now.
The most important one I put at the very top of the list, he’s got to like his mother. If he doesn’t like his mother, you will eventually feel that negativity in your relationship.
If he had a difficult relationship with his mother but has worked on it, you know, and really cleared it, that’s one thing. That’s different. But if he’s had a difficult relationship with his mother and it’s still there and it still sticks in his craw, this does not bode well for you in relationship to him.
This is really important. Don’t blow it off. Think about it.
The next thing that’s really important is that he has to be gainfully employed. This is a person who must have a job. Also, we need age-appropriate housing.
Couch-surfing through his buddies’ living rooms or sleeping in the back seat of his car may be understandable with the economic situation, but it doesn’t bode well in terms of having a partner. Sometimes people have to return home for a variety of reasons, so pay attention to the whys that someone is living at home.
Are they living at home so they can just stretch their finances over more party time, or are they home for other really legitimate — at least what I would consider legitimate reasons, like going to school, saving for a down payment on a house, different things like that, something that appears to be productive.
Another very important thing to pay attention to is that this is somebody who has friends. And I don’t mean a guy who’s got a buddy, 500, a thousand miles away that used to be really close years ago. I’m talking about people within the neighborhood of this person’s life, some folks that he plays with, talks with, goes to films with, has a relationship with, really important friends. Otherwise, you become the focus of their life and that is a lot of responsibility, to be the focus of somebody’s life. So having friends is really an indicator of someone’s ease of being around people. This is important, so keep that on the list.
The next thing is they have real interests in the world, that they just don’t sit in front of the television set and space out, or connect themselves to the internet and space out, that there are actually things that they do that they’re interested in and some of those things would ideally be connected with the things that you’re interested in so you can share interesting things. Sounds good, right? I think this one is another really important one.
Another one that I consider important is that, hey, they’re not addicted to alcohol or drugs. I do understand that marijuana has become so commonplace it’s almost as though someone’s smoking cigarettes, but I know people who wouldn’t go out with a cigarette smoker but are still dating people who are smoking weed.
Now, here’s the problem with people that are smoking marijuana on a regular basis, is that they aren’t fully present in the relationship. People who smoke marijuana live about two feet behind their eyeballs. Everything is buffered, so you’re not really present to them or they to you. That’s the whole idea with the marijuana smoker. They need life cushioned for them. Well, that means the relationship will be cushioned. You will be cushioned.
So while it doesn’t seem to cause a lot of mischief in a lot of people’s lives, in terms of an intimate relationship, it’s like having one through two pillows, you know? As close as you can really get emotionally is like through two thick pillows. So I don’t recommend marijuana as a bonding experience with a person that you really want to have a close relationship with.
Another important one is that you share certain values. Do you know that money is the number one reason people get divorced? And there are people who never have a money conversation in their relationship until well after they’ve married.
Hello. This does not make sense. You need to understand how you each value money, think about spending, think about saving, think about how you use, essentially, your stored time and talent. Because, think about it, that’s what money is; it’s your stored time and talent. And if you have one person who is so totally different than the other, there is a lot of conflict, and conflict does not bode well for long-term relationships.
Remember, you heard it here – the number one reason for divorce – money issues. Talk about your ideas of how to spend, and save money together.
The next thing that you need to pay attention to is how you interact with regard to levels of consideration. Are you thoughtful of one another? Is your time respected? And then one that takes place a little bit further down the line is do you find yourself being taken for granted? Do you feel that way? Are you, in fact? But does someone call early in the week to make plans for the end of the week rather than you hearing from them at 5:30 on Friday night about what you’re going to do for that night? Maybe some of the time, but if you are in a committed relationship and you don’t have a standing date for Friday night? Humm. These are clues.
More than what day they call is, what’s their reasoning? You know, sometimes it’s a person’s loneliness that triggers them to call you rather than their relationship with you triggering them to call you, and it’s important to know the difference.
Now, these are filters that I’m suggesting. There are many filters that are important; you’re free to add yours. Some people have height requirements; they just don’t date people who are too much taller than they or too much shorter than they. Creating a list of what you really want and what you don’t want is helpful. Make a detailed list of who you really want, whatever you need to feel comfortable.
But a filter also means that you’re being very thoughtful. There are so many women — between us girls — there are so many women that when they meet a man that they like in the moment — they really like them. They give them a hundred points. This is Mr. Perfection. I’m picking out the china. I’ve got, you know, the silver all picked out and what we’re going to name the children. This is after the first date. They think they have met heaven in this man. And then as they get to know them, as time moves on, they start deducting points; you know, ten points for this, five points for this, 30 points for this. You know, it’s hard for him to hold a job, he’s really inconsiderate, he really expects me to wait on him hand and foot, dah, dah, dah, the list goes on, and pretty soon you get down to 60 points, and then you get to 50, and if you get much below 50, it’s really hard to sustain a relationship much below 50, but by then you’ve been together six years and you have two children. What are you going to do?
So what we want to do is not start out at 100 points and work towards an unacceptable relationship. What we want to do is start out with you meet a guy, you think he’s kind of nice, give him ten points, free ten points off the bat because you just like the cut of his chin. Then as you get to know him, you give him more points.
You know, he seems to have a very easy and nice way and manner about him. He’s easily accepting. He’s got a good job. He seems responsible with money, dah, dah, dah, all these things start falling into place that you like and you reach a point of maybe 50 or 60 points, and you probably at that point have a committed relationship. You’re not dating anybody else. And you keep adding points, and you get up to about 70 and it’s time to think about getting married.
Now, that whole issue of getting married and how long do you date and go on — it varies dramatically, but I’ve worked with so many women who have been with guys ten, 12, 15 years waiting for him to make the decision to get married, and they’re waiting for him to make the decision rather than being able to look into their own heart about what they want and how they want it to go.
I’ve talked to so many women who wanted so much to be married, have a family, have children, whose biological clock has run out and they couldn’t have children. They were in their early forties, and they couldn’t have any children and they still had a man who wanted to date, and they were just so past that.
So, you know, you really need to be clear somewhere along the way, where are we going in this relationship? What — are we after — you know, after two years, two and a half, three years you should have a feel for one another. You should have some clarity about who you’re really with.
You need to know in particular what happens when you have conflicts? Do you know how to solve conflicts or do you run away from them? What happens when you’re angry? Do you know how to deal with that anger in a constructive or destructive way? You know in the second or third year, those things should be nailed down so there are no surprises. And it shouldn’t be any surprise to the man that you’re dating that you have plans for the future, whatever they may be. Maybe they’re not marriage. Maybe they’re not children, not every woman wants that. But if you do, it needs to be factored in. You need to know where you’re going.
If you’ve given this some thought, then let’s talk about the big one. Let’s talk about intimacy. How many times have I heard a woman say she thought he was such a nice guy and on the first or second date they did the most intimate thing two people could do, they made love. Now, you don’t know who in the world you’re rolling around in the hay with. You have no idea. Remember in the movie where the guy found the bunny boiling on his back stove? How do you know when you’re sleeping with anyone — you’ve just done the most intimate thing with somebody who is not a troubled soul? You would never know that early.
So my recommendation, and it’s a strong one, is that you hold off doing the most intimate thing that you can do with somebody until you know who they are or have a strong sense of them. This is one of the greatest levels of self care – how you treat your body. And, again, if you take good care of yourself, everyone’s going to benefit. Think about what you really want and think about how important it is to you and everyone around you.
Loretta Sparks, LPC, EFT Master, DCEP
